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This morning I found myself up early enough to drink my
coffee hot. For some reason that sounds more intense to me than it probably
does to you. But as I heated water for the French Press, I grabbed an old
notebook from college; my Spiritual Formation class notes and journal. You see,
when I took this class, I kept a running journal of my thoughts, attitudes,
growth, stagnancy, and even what I was learning. And I see that I haven’t
really kept up on that.
I forgot how much I enjoyed that journaling. How much that
helped focus my day. And even prior to that class – and after – I had a
somewhat active blog on MySpace (remember that? Before it sucked?) where I
shared many of my thoughts about spirituality, Christianity, personal issues,
and thoughts on the world. I still like to read many of them, and remember that
many of my sermons/lessons came out of those when I kept it somewhat
regularly. So that might be what happens
here.
See, when I started this blog I thought it was going to be
more about sharing epic and amusing tales of life, as I presented my wit to
you. Yeah, that didn’t really go so well. A couple funny stories and a few
updates on life in Walla Walla just didn’t do much. So now maybe I will return
to this whole journaling thing via blog; in a way that I’m ok sharing it with
folk, whether they buy in to what I’m saying or not. So I guess I’m making this
blog into something for me, as opposed to for others. Gotta admit, I’m feeling
a bit selfish by that though.
“We cannot achieve spiritual growth through sheer grit and
will power.”
I read that in the book Soul
Feast several years back and thought it important enough to write in a
journal… I even wrote that I wanted to put it on the wall of my office. It’s
amazing how much I think I can get done on my own power and strength… and then
I step back and look at how little power and strength I have. It’s right in the
face of all the sports propaganda that tells athletes to push and grind and
overcome because they are weak if they don’t; to embrace hate of self and
others in order to persist and become better than everyone else. But you know
what? All that gets you is a target on your back, a fleeting glimpse of “glory”,
and then – when you can no longer continue at that pace – your life is empty.
Now, I am not an athlete in the least; I don’t do
competition of the body well. (heck, I’m not very good at competition of the
mind either!) So this might anger a heck of a lot of people. But it’s true
about spiritual growth; we can only do so much. The rest is in the hands of
God. And that’s a scary thing for most of us, to rely on someone other than
ourselves – especially someone we can’t see or touch in the 1st
degree. I admit to a fair amount of micromanagement of anything within mere
sight of my purview at work. I am cynical about the idea of someone else
getting [whatever it is] done properly. I want my own hands, mind, mouth to do
whatever it is that needs to be done… and that’s not how it works with God.
And yet I yearn for God to fix me. To strafe away the chaff
of uselessness that I spend so much time on. I found another entry in my old
journal that reads, “Lord, I yearn for you with all that I am, for without you
I am empty and alone.”
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I recently had a series of conversations with a young woman
about what we do when we feel alone. Sometimes we do things to rid ourselves of
the loneliness – if only for an evening – that will hurt not only ourselves,
but those we love. Loneliness often causes us to act when we should wait. We
don’t like waiting; not for the newest technology, the next season of a TV
series, or for God to finish His work in us. Like Veruca Salt, we want it now,
regardless of the work it might take to get [whatever it is], or that it might
be in our worst possible interests to get [whatever it is] now.
And it’s not that we’re supposed to be miserable and ok with
that. It’s that we consider ourselves only complete when [whatever it is]
happens or is with us. And that’s why we so need God. Why we so need to
understand the whole “waiting” thing; and not where we just sit on our butts
waiting, but as we enter into the process of becoming whole.
God doesn't lightning bolt us; he molds us, and sometimes that molding kinda sucks.
I found a bit under the heading “What does it mean to be
spiritually formed?” and here it is for you:
“The visual: Hands
molding a pot on a spinning wheel. Knowledge, practice, materials,
patience, and time… all of these are needed. Also, it can be messy- it started
by beating the clay to make it softer, then adding water. This is a process,
completely changing the raw material to the finished, useable product. ‘You are
the potter, I am the clay… mold me and make me; this is what I pray…’
Does God get His hands dirty in the process of forming us?”
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